Motherhood, Trauma, and Patience: Breaking Cycles and Building Bridges (Post 14)

Parenting has been a tough job for me, and I am only 6 years into it.

It has pushed me in ways I would never have been pushed otherwise. Motherhood is often described as the greatest and the hardest of things. There is this quote that I want to bring up by Amy Tan:
"A mother is always the beginning. She is how things begin."

For me, it was motherhood that was the beginning.

It is not that I was an early mother and had to handle situations beyond my control. I am a mother to two wonderful children, and they both came to me after the age of 30. Back then, I had this preconceived notion that beyond 30 is not a good age to be a mother—and how Destiny challenges us to change our thoughts every time.

Even to this date, pregnancy in mothers older than 35 is termed as geriatric pregnancy. And I believe we as millennials have had to make the hardest choices.

Let me explain.

Many of us grew up in homes where we saw our mothers not being appreciated for being homemakers, and hence many of us ended up working harder trying to set up a career before getting married and having kids. Sometimes we may have wanted an earlier timeline, but things didn't work out as we planned—or got delayed a bit.

Me personally, I always wanted to have kids done by 30 and be married by 25, but destiny truly had other plans. And I truly, truly appreciate what I have gotten.

To be a mother at any stage humbles you immensely. And it gives you a dopamine rush for life.

But as we learn to tackle this journey of motherhood, we come across so many of our own childhood traumas that reappear in various forms to teach us the lessons that we were meant to learn.

A trauma does not have to be a major one to make an impact on us as mothers raising our children. It could be as simple as not receiving the love of a parent because they never truly understood what it meant to love you unconditionally.

It could be that our perception of how our parents should love us can be different from how our parents may perceive their love towards us.

It is our responsibility as the generation that is raising the next to be mindful of what we are passing on.

Oftentimes there are things that happen to us which hurt us to such extent that the pain is unbearable emotionally. It could be that you did not get the support you truly needed, the love and understanding during your pregnancies—but you never got even an ounce of it.

It could be the love of a parent that you did not get because for them they always associated you with being a difficult child. It could be so much more.

I am still to this date trying to get my grips around this hurt that I experienced. Maybe with time it may heal completely, or it could destroy my relationship with the next generation.

But it is up to me—and all of us—that we do not let this happen to the best of our ability.

The best thing we can do is try.

Learning Through My Children

I am learning to understand this more and more as I am raising my own kids. I have had this notion that my parents should be heavily involved, that the in-laws should be heavily involved with my kids in giving them unconditional love.

And for me, that love comes in the form of actively spending time and making an effort for them.

And to reach a point where I understand that sure—they have immense love for their grandchildren—but for them, the connection is majorly with us. Because they raised us. They saw our downfalls and wins. They were there for us when we needed them the most.

And yes, while their manner of showing affection may be different than what we perceive we should be getting, the only thing that truly matters is that you let your parents live the life they live in the older ages with their version of you, instead of forcing them to understand your version.

Generations and Understanding

Our parents also tried to navigate parenthood with their own understanding of situations.

Maybe they had more trauma than which they could handle. And while no parent inherently tries to damage a child, sometimes the trauma they had was bigger than themselves.

Or maybe they did not have the coping mechanisms—neither this social media nor internet age where so much information is so readily available.

The Inner Child

And remember—we all were also children at one point in life.

Our life experiences when we are younger shape a major portion of our adult life and decisions.

The inner child is a concept in psychology referring to part of a person's psyche that holds memories, emotions, and beliefs from childhood experiences.

Not having any memories of childhood... or very distant ones... can that be a sign of trauma? I don't know. I am not a mental health expert—but you let me know how you feel about it.

I have very, very minimal memories of my childhood. There are a few memories that I have, and yes—if I sit down, they might start coming up. But I believe as we form newer memories, the older ones dissipate into oblivion until they are called back.

I wish we all had a pensive like Dumbledore, so we could revisit whenever we wanted.

Distance and Compassion

I have tried it for many years, had so many outbursts, that after a while now, I don't communicate with my parents that much.

I do talk to them, make sure they are okay, and if they need anything and I am able to provide, I will do that. But my parents have been self-sufficient, and I couldn't ask for anything else.

I am not healed yet. I don't know how healing happens. Because you may want to communicate with your parents, but maybe the communication may hurt them more than make it clearer for you.

So how do you handle this?

Love, Time, and Choosing Communication

Here’s the thing. Our life with the people we love is so limited that it is futile thinking about hurt and not choosing to have a relationship.

Yes, certainly choose yourself first. If you believe that you need space and time to deal with parents, then take that time.

But keep the communication open so that they can reach you—who is a child in their eyes to this date.

Have good memories.

End the Hurt Here

It is important we as mothers understand this more—because as we raise the next generation, while we may heal or not heal completely, we must not move the hurt forwards.

Each generation learns something from the previous.

A Note to My Children and Yours

I write this primarily so that someday when my kids are older, hopefully, they will understand some decisions that I may make—that they might not understand.

And I hope they will give me the patience like I am trying to give to my parents.

And I hope you as readers will give your parents a little bit of patience—just as they showed you the patience when you were younger, when they answered your questions multiple times.