Post 1 : Hi

Hi

My name is irrelevant.

At Least for now.

Born in 1987 in the month of July I do not remember my earlier years. I may not even remember these years a few down the lane.

The memories that I have of my childhood have been blurred  but let me try to recollect.

The earliest memories I have are of living in Sher-e-Punjab society playing with my society friends Richa, Utkashini, Gurpreet, Shilpa and Farah. Farah was the muslim friend that I had across the colony and she was the one who was married of the very first from amongst all of us. Some of the memories include playing holi at Gurpreets home and coloring her verandah all blue, eating pakora at her terrace. To think now I don't know if I was a lonely person earlier because I had friends.

I have some photographs of my childhood but don't have those memories except for the one where I am wearing a red and black top and half pant sitting in Dads room and pretending to read so that my Dad would not be upset with me.

We moved from Sher-e-Punjab to Swapnalok Apartments.

Maybe now to think I was never really involved in discussions at home and maybe that's the reason it is hard for me now to still be accepted into decision making , I don't know. Will figure it out.

Or maybe I am just too naive for this world, I do understand that the world is not just black and white, sometimes it can be grey and at other times there can be various amounts of shades of grey.

What I do know for sure is that I am a problem solver, because no one ever comes to me and says hey this is a problem lets fix, I am usually the starting point in every turmoil.

I remember playing lagori at Utkarshinis building.

I remember playing sakadi and then the stapu game on terrace with Richa.

I remember holi fun with friends, I however do not remember anything about my home.

I have not memory of the home that I lived in SHer-e-Punjab.

My school years, getting dressed for school, now that I think about it, mom would come with me to the bus stop early in the morning, we would go in the green tempo and hanuman bhajans would play in it. I would think about pregnancy at that early age sitting in the tempo, would think about pretending to be pregnant with a chadar at home in front of Dads cupboard mirror.

Was I crazy, I don't know, was I fascinated by pregnancy .... maybe,,, I dont know what gave me the exposure to seeing pregnancy.

I remember being extremely shy to talk to buys after I changed schools, I could never make friends after that, didn't know how to , didn't learn.

DOn't know.

I had changed school in around fifth grade, transitioning to MBHS, I had friends there, Vibha, Mansi, Rashmi and the others... I remember watching Saathiya in one of the friends home where all of us had gathered. I did have friends.. at this point I am just trying to convince myself.

But its true. We had a school trip to some place in Nashik, I used to have pictures of it,,, it was fun.. I may not have been all popular but I was there.

DUring the transition from School to college I remember my dad talking me to apply to Bhavans and mentioning to me that usually you decide on your college. I thank him for being there when I did not know what to do... I will register for classes tomorrow itself for Rutgers....

I was the lonely person there.. I remember there being party that I wanted to go to but just didn't have the courage,,... I remember running away from any boy who tried to have an interaction with me.. but would think about it in my head in imaginary scenarios... I was more imaginative and maybe over the years with the changes I became reclusive.

Yes I had friends and some I am still in touch with and I do make efforts to stay in touch with some...

Bhavans I would attend classes and go home,, I don't remember doing anything exciting there.... but BCP was where I found Poornima and RUtika,,,, yes again there were popular girls and I always wanted to be part of them... and be with attractive guys but I was always reclusive... maybe I didn't know what to speak.. maybe I didn't expose myself

I remember from across the college the Xerox machine place where everyone would gather.. and I was afraid to go by then..

People when you usually talk to have such wonderful experiences of college .... I did not have such but I had one where I went and did serve the purpose of being educated, just not the other things.

I still struggle with this aspect even today