HeartFelt

 I watched the movie Saiyaara two days back. It's an Indian Movie based on romance and young love that shook the entire Indian movie addicted public. I dont know what or how it came my way. Because It wasn't in any of my feeds until just some gimmicks making fun of the movie came up on my screen. I neglected it for a while but I was sick, glued to my phone, taking care of two kids on summer vacation but somehow It entered my space. I must hand it to the marketing tactics or the Instagram virality concept. But I stated this movie and started watching it as I was feeding my kids on Wednesday. 

That was the day and today is Friday. Between these two to three days do you know what I learned. My emotions. I appreciated my young self. But here is the thing I don't know how to explain this. But I am going to try my best. All this time for the past few years I have been focusing on the hurt that I have received the love that I didn't receive and so much more in my heart. I also had an emotional outburst on Monday to my husband. And I think this emotional energy release manifested itself.

I learned how emotionally open I was back then when we had just come to this country. I was feeling so much at that point but for the most part I was alone, and I used to docus on living my life going to college and writing and acting and so much more. This past decade I was into marriage, relationships, in-laws, Childbearing and child raising and today I understand a lot of it was catalyst for growth. 

But as I went through this movie that emotional subconscious mind of mine maybe woke up. I think I had lost my emotional side. And I think I will eternally be grateful to this movie to bring it out. Not just in me but so many of us who had this emotional void that was healed a little bit through this movie. That is what a master craftsman knows to do, and the director of the movie has done that.

The Girl that I was I was heavily engrossed into love and fantasies at that time. I used to write and create content that is being created on Instagram and edits but on a smaller scale on Forums that were more prominent back then. Just how Reddit is at this point. 

Do you even for a moment think how we are living? 

Our fathers had people who had firsthand experiences at things, would talk to other experts before doing something. That generation was rigid and unflexible because fundamentally they were caretakers and didn't see it any other way.

We are the Millennial Generation who grew up with this strict background but for me I did find myself attracted towards art but took Science because that is what everyone it felt the safest choice. I spent a decade and half into it. Made a living out of it. And when World set me up for break and restart through my kids I did that too. I have done that for about two years now. And while I want to work and make money as much as I can, invest in 3 to 5 rentals and have one business I am not sure the same environment that I was in before will be welcoming? Will I be able to provide in a manner that I used to before. Because even then I used to feel left out, and I still might do. 
But this time I know the importance of relationships and camaraderie.

And no, I don't want to lose my heart in all this, I would rather live a short but impactful life.

Just like how my father in Law. He was the one who had the most impact on me in bringing change in myself and I know I feel this now and might feel bad again, but I truly hope I don't because I understand how there is always someone acting as a catalyst for a change that has to happen generationally. 

Even My Parents have drifted away from me, I don't know but I understand for them I might be the same I don't know, or they might be in their journey as their own individual self. 

And this is not selfish, but it is being self-aware. I am truly truly blessed to have this understanding truly, and I don't know if any of it was intentional or not but I am grateful for it all.

And as I had a conversation with my husband about this and something else related to this, I realized I have manifested everything into my life that I have truly wanted. Also, a realization that I did not realize until now. Emotions are what differentiate us from machines and AI that has the potential to drastically change the world. And it will but as humans our emotional intelligence has to be kept alive generationally.

Up until this point I really didn't know what I want to do I still don't know but I think it has to do with emotions. Mine or others I don't know yet. 

I don't know what impact I can truly make or not, but I know the next time I meet someone it has to be on a cleaner slate because they might not have the awareness that I have but I have felt this before, but that Will be a memory that will be visited the next time. 

And no, I don't want to be all goody goody but If My heart is clean that can come up. My heart has always led me to the right places. And I know this article is not coherent, but I am trying to write my heart out.

Hopefully I am able to write a book titled "Heartfelt" that my kids can go back to for every time they might miss me, if they choose to stay away from me and in general for any of this generation who is raised by us Millennials.