Emotional Armour

Its been a while since I wrote last and trust me I want to do a lot more but today I want to write about this.

I have been an emotional person for the longest that I have known. Initially my feelings I was not sure how to read them and I understand it better now. Here's the thing, we have all been hurt at some point in our life by people who we truly wanted to belong with right.

As much as I have written in my blogs before my hurt stems from a lot of places but the hardest for me to move one from is that I was silenced when my voice should have been heard, I was unsupported in my pregnancies and during the formative years of my children's lives. 

And no matter what happens I always tend to go back to it multiple times.

I don't want to blame anyone anymore because for the longest time I have blamed everyone around me for not supporting me at my lowest not seeing my vulnerability, and now I am at that point where you know most of the hard work is done and now everyone is enjoying the fruits of my labor but they are okay to enjoy it without me when I raise an opinion. 

Sure I understand everything and I don't want a broken home for my kids but there is so much I understand about myself and would like to let go off to be honest rather than keep it in me. For the longest time I have know I have tried to release the pain that I have in my heart where everyone acts like everything is normal and now we are still the bad people, my kids didn't get the love from the grandparents that they truly deserved and everyone is okay with it except for me.

This is the part that I am not able to let go. Hence when they celebrate at the expense of me and call their brother and family for family dinner I am  not able to go, when they celebrate the mother I am not able to go. My hurt has been left untouched and yet I am supposed to behave like I am the wrong person.

I understand what my husband is trying to do and not letting it affect him but he was not the one who went through the pregnancy alone, I was, during both my pregnancies dealing with childcare, insurance issues, daycare, working, going to multiple appointments because I thought I would lose my child, eating chalk with her in my second pregnancy, I don't know what damage I might have done to them, but I am understanding the damage it has done to me and I am unable to let it go.

Yes it hurts when my husband goes without me to these events because I said I don't want to participate and its not like I will ever get what I envisioned because even in my pregnancy I never had that full support that so many people have around them the love and affection that they get.

Sure its my doing but its also that no one wanted to see me as human.

I write this not to undermine anyone but to let my heart out.

I want to be able to move on and not be affected but I get affected for days. Is it normal. No.

My body is constantly showing me and telling me what is right and what is wrong.

It was not incidental that I went to the temple alone on Labh Pacham.

It has a significant importance that I may probably realize this year I don't know. But I am afraid what will the effect be on my kids more that anything else.

Because I know it matters to no one else.

I am writing this to help myself heal from that. Its very difficult but the more I hold on to it the more I suffer.

And to be honest I am not comfortable in anyone's presence but my kids to be honest. I have no genuine connection and I am afraid but I keep trying because I know everyone is going to come for the highlights but its only me who will be there for them in their everyday moments.

My Son is growing so tall now and probably understanding too but I don't want him derailed into anything that my parents didn't get along.

That's why it is a small sacrifice that we are both making. Sure he must also be expecting me to go with him at his families occasion but this year after putting in effort multiple times I see that the effort was not needed. They just need a show and I don't want to be that.

For any of you going through something terrible or trying to get over it I just want to say. hold on to yourself, don't do anything stupid. There must be one person who will be deeply affected by you. Think of them.