Setting Boundaries is something most of us don't know how to do

 I am feeling overwhelmed today and have been feeling so for the past few days, but it went by unnoticed.

Back when I was with my dad in Mumbai, I think I was this subdued and for a brief moment I found my voice through friction in my married life with my in-laws. But now it seems it is back to that subdued self. 

Earlier I used to raise concerns and voices and now I it feels like I have no voice at all of my own.

Sure I take care of the kids, make my own food, eat what I like, no restrictions et all but it has all been of my accord. Still to this date I am hesitant to ask anyone for money including my own husband and when I do ask he often says no. He may mean it in a joking manner, but it is something i never learned to understand.

When I was getting married and my father was looking at spending money on me for the wedding my mother was like we still have one more child and was almost like angry at me it seemed. I never truly had a good relationship with my mother nor my mother-in-law. My mother on one hand always stayed closer to her son and even pushed me away so many times I just never saw it. I don't know it was because she was extremely hurt in her life or because she had always been such. But my relationship with my mother is not like the relationship my mother-in-law has with her daughters.

And on my mother in laws end she is always surrounded by the daughters, and I don't know why I never got the love I truly deserved from either of them. During my pregnancies, my kids young age no help and yet I am expected to behave all normal. The hurt and everything inside is still there and my mother-in-law lives with her daughters oh so nicely, my mother lives with her son oh so nicely and all i get to hear is you don't know how lucky you are you don't have to take care of any of us.

I often feel so dumb at times. I like being in my own bubble as I find happiness in there. 

When i was going to be married my father was getting upset because I was vomiting out of nervousness and his thought was what will others think. No one truly understood me at all.

That is why I put in extra effort for my kids.

To understand them, to give them time when they need, to pay attention to them when they come to me with little things. My husband is still the same I think and may become what his parents were, but I will not. I have raised these kids more or less single handedly, sure my husband has helped and participated when I am not around or have work commitments but the majority of it has been me. And often times I wonder why I keep doing it. Why do I not break out of this commitment.

It could be that I am going through my midlife crisis, but the matter of the fact is he has never been the support that I truly wanted. My pregnancies he probably came only once to see the kid's ultrasound, why because work commitments. Even my father paid more attention to his wife when she was pregnant will multivitamins and all, but here I had to do it all alone. It's like God listened to me and gave me a husband for name's sake so I am not alone and have kids with. 

It's a harsh manner to put it in but if you ask him to stand for me, I don't know if he will. Often times he tells me no one would have stayed if they were in my position.

And the in-laws. I don't know what to say about them. Manipulation ran so deep in that house that when I walked into that home and created change the first person who was ousted was me. It has been a mental trauma to go through that phase and the kids being young, working and taking care and I don't know how I did it and why I didn't break down or lose it all. I guess he (God) really loved to push me to see how much I could tolerate.

It has been 11 years to my marriage and often I have this thought of how I should continue this marriage. I have even voiced my concern on how I want to live my life to the fullest and not live a compromised life. 

So the best way to handle the conflicts moving forwards that I only see is

1) living in the moment. And forgetting about it once the moment has gone.

2) not to overthink a situation. If the situation is turning bad it's best to move myself out of it. Especially when I know I can opinions that might hurt others.

3) Know your worth, be focused and always be there for yourself even if no one is there.

And truth be told this is only half of my life right now. When new people enter in our kids life is when we start learning again. Until then we don't really learn much.

A good book on Self worth is Set Boundaries, Find Peace

And I know it is easier said than done. But all of us in many ways don't set right boundaries, in my case I tried very hard to set boundaries from the very beginning but I was unsuccessful because the parents never understood it, the sister in laws I know did understand the boundaries but they probably knew when the priorities of the parents lied so they probably manipulated it to their ends.

And yes, everyone tells me to play the game, but I can't do something that I am not, and I can't be something that I don't connect with.

Why am I saying this?

Because we all have some kind of hurt amongst us that we are just unable to let go. And still in the deepest of the corner of our hearts we hope it might work out. But to be honest This is one of the places we need to set our boundaries and choose not to hurt ourselves again and again.

I hope you connected to something in this article that you can implement in your own life.